December 13th, 2006

Hey Dad,
It was nice seeing you during my visit out to Colorado.

You know what? Since you will never see this, I think i can dispose of any niceties I might normally adhere to and just say it was nice seeing you the second time I did. The first time was not enjoyable. I couldn’t crack your shell or span the distance you were keeping me at. You insisted on staying close only to Maggie and not engaging either Scarlett or me. Overtime, and with much reflection, I’ve come to realize that it is really important that you get to know and get along with Scarlett. The reasons why are not immediately clear. Well, obviously it has something to do with approval. But I’d hate to cheapen this desire by stereotyping it as just another battle in the decades long struggle to gain your approval. I think the world of Scarlett. She is my world, in so many ways, and it would mean a great deal to me if you showed as much outward affection for and interest in her as I feel I’ve gotten from her parents.

But, that isn’t why I chose to write you this letter. Something has been weighing down on me that I haven’t the gumption to bring up to you in person, not just yet. It has to do with my divorce. I haven’t ever fully shaken the belief that I made a mistake in seeking out Heather’s hand in marriage in the first place, and I do not believe I am alone in this sentiment. For the longest time, I’ve suspected that you think I made a mistake too. I know I rushed. I let fear of letting her go dictate my actions in both proposing to her and in betraying my own preservation during the short marriage. But I feel you think it was a mistake as well because of the impact it was going to have on your relationship to Maggie. It bothers me to think that you might look on my whole experience with Heather as an expression of overall shortcomings you believe i have. If you hadn’t ever married her mom, I don’t think you’d feel that way, and I believe the situation of your union colors your reactions to all of this.

My mind right now, on that thought, suddenly returns to the moment of your initial response when I told you that Heather wanted to get a divorce.

It was the next day, the morning after Heather told me she was in love with Jack and wanted a divorce. I was at the doctor’s office, pacing back and forth, waiting just outside, and I needed to call someone. ANYONE. Specifically from my family. My first thought was to you. I wanted your advice. I wanted your shock at the news to validate the tragedy of the moment. I wanted your comfort. I’d just gotten the words out of my mouth when you gave me your reaction.

“Well, you need to do whatever you can to win her back. Perhaps she’s not feeling loved enough by you. You need to pay her more attention, do more romantic things for her.”

You didn't accept the reality of the scenario. You didn't acknowledge that this was out of your's and my control. Basically, in my state, I took that as you putting the entire blame for the predicament on me. Until just now, I haven’t seen the impact of this implication and how I ended up taking your “advice”. In those initial moments, you evaluated the crumble of my marriage as my liability, never thinking to shoulder some of the blame onto Heather, which crushed me. At that moment, when I was reaching out, instead of doing the equivalent of holding me in your arms and telling me how sorry you were, you passed judgment and then tried to “fix’ the situation. Were you trying to quickly dress the wound and send me back onto the ice so that I could continue playing, when instead, deep inside you were fearful of having to face making a choice between Maggie and me? You needn’t worry, that choice has been made clear which way it would fall.

Man, suddenly I feel myself welling up with anger. Still, four years after the whole ordeal. Why couldn’t you have just felt bad for me? Why couldn’t you have just offered to come out here, come out here and just give your support? You must’ve been incredibly scared to hear the news of a possible divorce. How long did you process it before you thought about how you would have to intercept Maggie finding out this news, just so that she would hear it the way you wanted her to hear it? How quickly did you diffuse your emotional reaction in order to remain focused on the stability of your own marriage? You must’ve been full of insecurity (i realize i may be projecting here). That is the only explanation I can think of that makes what you said to me logical. But then, I can't know that, you’ve never offered your emotions surrounding this episode. Weren’t you pissed at Heather? Weren’t you a tad bit appalled at her behavior? Weren’t you angry at the woman who cheated on your son? Or would acknowledging that cause a quandry? Because if the daughter was capable of this behavior surely her mom possessed that capability. Instead, in order to maintain your safe, isolated bubble with Maggie, you insisted on a strict embargo of any information that would point to Heather’s culpability in our demise. I’m almost certain that Maggie, via Heather, convinced you that it was I who did the cheating. That’s why you so quickly defended Maggie’s sensitivity to seeing me in a photograph with my female friends only a few months after her daughter and I had separated. But how does that truly measure anywhere to the level of betrayal I experienced when i learned that you’ve shared several meals with Heather and the man for whom she left me? When do I ever get to wash that off my skin? My father, my own father, has sat across the table from the man who actively sought a romance with my wife, succeeded in prying her away from me, and you’ve BROKEN BREAD WITH THIS MAN.

I think of this. I think of the water I’ve been made to watch flow under the bridge and then I think of what I have to do just to get you to act in a normal and congenial fashion around the one person who now means everything to me, and I feel completely taxed. I want to be done with these issues. It’s not fun thinking your father blames you for your failed marriage. What’s worse is that I believe you blame me not because of what impact it had on my life, but because of what impact it had on yours, that i didn't have enough foresight to take care of the situation before it affected you. It's just like when you used to get mad at me as a kid whenever i accidentally spilled a glass of milk.

"You do this just to piss me off."

Perhaps, my need for your acceptance allows me to absorb the responsibility my actions have on your life, when you should be just as profoundly concerned about yours.


With love,
DC